Suicide.

On Monday, we delved into the topic of suicide. This can be a very touchy subject for everyone, but a topic that I, personally, could understand completely.

During class, Thad stated that we all probably know someone (or someone twice removed at least) that has committed suicide. He also mentioned that some of us have probably considered suicide. As I was nodding my head, my groupmate whispered to me, “why are you nodding!?” I turned to see her confused and worried face. I replied, “Because I have.” Her face turned to shock as she whispered something else that I didn’t quite catch.

 At a younger age (~12-14 years old), I came to the realization of this meaningless life. Up until that point, I hadn’t really thought of life, or its purposes, or why I am here. I was raised Roman Catholic but at no point did I ever believe in it. I would appease my mother by attending church but I never discussed my views with her because I know she would not approve (which she still does not). So, my realization came to me, on my own, without the knowledge of any of this literature regarding these matters. When I think about it, I find it quite fascinating how it all happened and why I am still here.

 

I remember spending countless nights in my locked room. I would put on music and rock myself under the sheets. If there was no meaning to the world and life, then what was the meaning of me? During those nights I would reach throughout my imagination, thinking of the ideal way to go. Did I want to lock my door, hang myself and wait for my body to be found by my parents? No, I didn’t want them to be the first witnesses. Did I want to fly off of a towering building? Maybe, the more people see, the more fun, but what if I survived? Well then, what about if I found a river and drowned myself, strapping my feet to heavy weights and rotting at the bottom of the bed. This one appealed to me the most because it could reflect the pointlessness of my life. One day here, the next, gone. Only a few would notice but after a while, they’d forget about me and my soulless existence.

So why didn’t I do it?

Instead, I decided to create my own purpose. I refused to live for anyone else. I was/am my own person. I determine my life.

So on a new note, due to the amount of discussion during class, there were a couple of topics I had wished to talk about but never got the chance. This idea of “illusions” and “reality” kept being thrown around and I wanted to touch base on an idea I realized during class. It seems to me that this “reality” that we all talk about, how some of us are in it and some aren’t, is really just an illusion in and of itself. One person’s reality is different from another’s. My reality is school, work, and family drama. Another’s could be the street life, learning to live with no money in their pocket. Either way, it is all still a reality, it just depends on who’s we are discussing. There are some realities that we may not be able to understand, and we consider that an illusion. I think that everything is just an illusion. How we perceive things can change on a daily basis. So what makes it more real one day versus the next?

Also, there was quite a big discussion on the basis that judgment is “natural”. That it’s natural to pass on judgment. It only seems this way because it has been so ingrained into our philosophies. It’s not in our genetic code to judge people. Judging is actually learned, not inherited. We learn, every day, how to pass judgment onto others but we never examine why. We never step back and think about the purpose and causes of these judgments and assumptions.